A Father's Dilemma

Wait for it...

Tempted as I am to file another note on life in Houston and the aftermath of Ike, I thought you might all have had your fill of tales of dangerous driving, an over-reliance on gadgetry, the reckless destruction of property and mordant British wit. So I'm going to discuss James Bond with you instead.

I may not have mentioned this before, but I am a bit of a Bond obsessive. As a very small boy I watched the films on telly, as a young teenager I read the novels and I derived a lot of pleasure from both. And yes, I have also gone waaay overboard, reading non-Fleming continuation novels, buying soundtrack CDs and toy DB5s and playing Bond-related video games.

What you might have missed is that this passion has cooled considerably in recent years. I am not the utterly ardent Bond-fan I once was. There are plenty of reasons behind this, including the varying quality of recent movies and the return of 'Doctor Who' - I only have so much sad-obsessive-geekiness to go round you know.

But all this is skirting the issue - the real reason is that my reconsideration of Bond has coincided with becoming a father. To put it bluntly, it is harder to combine a love of all things Bond with the responsibilities of parenting. And just as we were undergoing this change, the world lurched in another direction: Laura's first bout of maternity leave overlapped with the invasion of Iraq. There was nothing for her to do but watch television and nothing else for her to watch apart from rolling news footage of irresponsible violence. In a world where suspected terrorists (i.e. innocent bystanders) could be shot dead on the Tube, the casual fantasy violence of Bond's world became more unpalatable and, crucially, less justifiable.

A Bad Man.

 When my parents had let me watch Connery or Moore save the world there had been no doubt that these adventures were suitable viewing. Even I understood the basic premise of the Cold War that shaped them. When William saw a television trailer for 'Casino Royale', his heartfelt, confused wail was "Who is that BAD MAN and why is he doing those BAD THINGS?!" Well, quite. Son, let me explain why it's okay to go around shooting people...

This what reading the Guardian gets you. Okay, that was then, this is now. Why am I suddenly thinking about 007 again? Well, it is a big Bond year. Sebastian Faulks' 'Devil May Care' was published in the spring (don't bother) and Charlie Higson's excellent 'Young Bond' series has just concluded with the release of the fifth book: 'By Royal Command'. Pre-publicity for 'Quantum of Solace' is about to go into overdrive with barely a month to go before the new movie hits cinemas. And finally, I am about to be reunited with all my books and DVDs that have been sluggishly cruising the Atlantic. I am getting the itch again.

And I am going to have to face up to the fact that there is little reason to 'shelter' the boys from 007 much longer. They don't have toy guns, but they make their own from Lego and there's no way to stop that. The boys next door (8 and 6) have real guns. Well, this is Texas. William, at least, is nearly six and certainly older than I was when I watched my first film. He's growing up fast too - there's a reason 'Return of the Jedi' is his favourite Star Wars episode and it is that gold bikini. Bond is already beginning to bleed into William's consciousness - the name, like that of Indiana Jones, is known even if it is also a mystery. Finally, let's not be coy: James Bond is, like a slice of cucumber in a glass of Pimm's, very cool and very British. My boys are growing up in the heartland of American machismo - plenty of kids in the playground can be Felix Leiter to their 007.

My dilemma has changed then. I'm not worried about William trying to rationalise the sex, or the sexism, or the violence, or the not-so-subtle racism (had you noticed all the baddies were foreigners?) That's all stuff he's going to have to come to terms with at some point or other - at least if I'm in the room with him, I can provide the necessary context and reassurances.

No, my new dilemma, having sort of made my mind up, is: where the hell do I start? I said at the top that I wanted to discuss Bond with you and I was serious - I'd like thoughts and suggestions. Twenty-one films over forty-five years - this knocks the Star Wars argument (I,II, III, IV, V, VI? or IV, V, VI, I, II, III? or just IV, V, VI?) out of the water.

Should I pick a film that is lighter in tone? 'Moonraker' perhaps or 'The Spy Who Loved Me'? Or should I go for all out brilliance - 'Goldfinger', obviously - although I would have to cringe through the scene in the barn: attitudes to sexual consent have improved a little since 1964 haven't they? Or maybe I should try and show him something fairly recent, something that takes place in a world he vaguely recognises? 'The World is Not Enough' or possibly something as old as 'The Living Daylights' might do, but again the world has changed a little: Soviet troops oppressing Afghanistan? Bond aiding the Mujahideen? Hmmm..

Another strategy would be to start with 'Dr. No' and work forwards. But, well... that sounds a little drastic. I'm fairly sure I know which ones to avoid off the bat: 'OHMSS', 'Licence to Kill' and 'Casino Royale' are too dark for now. As for 'Die Another Day', well there's no reason to admit that exists is there?

So, fellow aficionados, fellow parents, any ideas?